My mom and I went to my school today to fix something that we
had been fixing for three months now. Well, I have been having a dilemma
regarding my college application. ‘Til now, I haven’t enrolled yet in any program
our school has to offer. What’s even
more frightening is that some colleges and faculties had closed their doors for
interested applicants.
November last year, we took an entrance test in our
university. I applied for BS Medical Technology and BS Psychology; either of the two programs will be my premed course. Unfortunately, I didn't pass my test, and my only hope is my third quarter grade. Being student
of my university’s high school gave us the benefit of being accepted right away
in their chosen program no matter how bad we did in the entrance exam given the
challenge that we have to achieve the exemption
grade on the third or fourth quarter each college and faculty had set. For
the both programs I chose, their exemption grade was 85. I had been praying to
God to let me get that grade at least.
When the report card day came, I was so devastated and
depressed when I knew the grade I got. Sure I got higher grades than the
previous quarter, but what made me feel really , really – when I say words twice I really mean
it -- sad and mad to myself is that my efforts didn't achieve the exemption grade
(which is 85 for my program). And what even made me even sadder and madder was
the fact that I only lack 0.5 points to achieve my goal! FREAKIN ZERO POINT
FIVE POINTS. That isn't even really hard to earn! Thoughts came to me, if only I did better just for even one
subject I would get this, if only I had pleaded to even one of my teachers to
give me some additional points, I’ll get an 85, if only... if only... IF
ONLY!!!
To cut my long, and devastating story short, I didn't make it in
my 4th quarter average either, so I stepped out of my shell and
started to take action. I got up and completed the requirements needed and
wrote a letter of reconsideration to the dean of the faculty of pharmacy, where
BS Medical technology belongs. I waited
for more than a month, but I didn't make it still. So where did that leave me now? Most of my batch mates, if not all, have already been enrolled and universities start to close now. I start to ask where is God in the middle of my crisis? What does He really want for me?
As I continue to pray to God for miracle in my
case, I moved in faith as well. I thought I needed a back up if ever I won't
make it for the last time in my chosen program, so I applied in College of
Commerce and Business Management major in Finance Management and in Faculty of
Arts and Letters major in Behavioral Science. I passed my requirements, and
voilà I passed both programs. Even though I passed them both, my heart still belongs to medical
technology. Some of my friends and acquaintances ask me if maybe I
should consider finding a new school and just pursue medical technology there,
but I thought there's no way I'm gonna give up in this fight since I have
already come up this far, and no way I'm gonna leave this school. I started my
student years in this university and I'm gonna finish in this university too.
It is where God put my heart into. That's just the background of this post. Now
here's in what happened today.
As I said at the beginning of this
post, my mom and I went to school to ask for help from my high school regent, and
secretary. To make our conversation with them short, both of them turned us
down, so we went straight at the office of the dean. We go there once a week to
ask for updates; but more than that, we go there to make themselves familiar to
us then they'll get the message that we really are interested in the program.
My mom's friend says that if they see the interest, patience, and persistence
in us, then we might get a chance. It's kind of our strategy if you may call
it. Haha. We are quite known in the office actually so that's a good sign.
Anyway, the dean said I have a slim chance of being accepted since my grades
are high. I will be accommodated if there is one or two from the first
batch passers who'll bail their slot. We said thanks and bid our farewell.
As you read, and hopefully you can feel the feelings I'm laying down here − which is worry and hopelessness, I hope you got the message of how bad it is for me to not have a sure school to go to this June. It makes me even feel worse feeling like you're lost in a vast desert and don't know which way to go. I'm pretty much directionless right now considering the fact that there are a lot of open doors in front of me. In short, I am definitely clueless on what plans God has for me. I pray and pray to God and asks Him from time to time for His will and plan to be made visible in my eyes. Lord, what is it that you want me to learn from this? Let me pass this one. Please perform a miracle in my case. I promise I'll do my best. and so on and so forth. Then our faithful God reminded me of these verses:
"11 For I know I have plans for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and com and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
"1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God -- this is you true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- his good, pleasing, and perfect will."
In the middle of my crisis -- a vast, dark, and dry desert, there bloomed a flower -- flower of
hope and assurance. God did not leave me alone walking in this desert, He provided me what I needed as well -- lessons that are worth applying and treasuring for the rest of my life. His will may not as clear as spring water right now, but I'm sure someday this will all make sense and be concluded. When I tried to do things on my own before, He reminds me
"Kae, you can't do this alone. You know that you can always confide to me anything you want. I'm your Father. I love you and I want what's best for you."
In this season of my life, God checked my motives as well. To be honest, I wanted BS Medical Technology so bad because it will serve as my premed. Yes, I want to be a doctor. Doctors always amaze and impress me. They look smart like they know everything; and I want to be like them. I want to know what they know. I want people to look at me the way I look at doctors. Not only that, they make good money for living as well. We all have dreams for our lives. My dream is to travel around the world with my parents and siblings -- all expenses made by me, buy the things my parents want, buy my own house and car and all the other things I want, I want to give to other people without thinking of what will be left for me... and many more. I have those sort of dreams that I guess most people have as well. But in the middle of dreaming of becoming a doctor and getting the things I want, I suddenly thought
What if God wants me to be a missionary or full-time church worker? I know that won't make as much money as doctors do, and if I answer God's calling, what will my parents say? My brothers, my relatives, blah blah blah? Those are just some of the major concerns I have. Of course I would choose to answer, but it's really hard to consider my family's opinion. Anyway,
that was just a sudden thought. No callings or whatsoever as of the moment, though. Haha. Then, I remembered one time in a youth service in our church that really struck me.
God placed the desires and dreams we have for our lives in our hearts. Live it. Fight for it.
I hope and pray that as we go on in our life's journey, let us not forget to include God in every plan and decisions we make. Consult Him. You don't want to regret in the end, do you? Surrendering to His
good, pleasing, and perfect will may be hard at times, but the the trust we will give him is
worth it. When it comes to God, it has always been worth it. Even if best goes to worst, as long as you have God and you know that He hasn't left you, there's no way in giving up. No way. So next time when you're faced with big decisions to make, confide to God. Seek his plans. Ask for help from the people whom you respect and trust in your church. Remember: in life we will never make it alone. Even if you have so much pride on yourself, accept the fact that you need someone else in your life. It is our default. We will going to ask each other for help one way or another. We need each other; moreover,
we need God in our lives. No matter how hopeless and directionless your life can be,
you can always run to God. He never stopped desiring to hear the important (even the not-so-important ones) whereabouts in His children's lives. He loves to help and be part of our lives. Will you let Him in, or will let him stay outside of your house and peek through your window just when you need Him? I hope you'll let him in because I assure you, you won't regret it. :)
